boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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