how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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