What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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