having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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