I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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