OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
