His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
