It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
