Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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