So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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