"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
