We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
