Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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