two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
