So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
