I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
