it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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