I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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