I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
