I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
