if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
is that a dick in a sweater?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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