It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
