Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
