fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
