You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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