I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
