Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you traded sex for a burrito?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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