There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
