Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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