my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
