my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
