You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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