I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
