I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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