i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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