my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So vagazzling was a success
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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