i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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