Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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