Kareoke will never be a sober sport
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My boob is missing a layer of skin
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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