dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
