my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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