I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
