I was born with a shot glass in my hand
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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