The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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