am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
