dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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