also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
