my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize