My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
