My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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