I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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